Updated: Nov 6, 2019
Have you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself? Have you ever wondered how did you get to a certain point in life? Have you ever asked yourself what did you enjoy about today? Yeah well….me neither until now. If you’ve answered yes to any of those questions keep reading, as it could possibly help you too! Now, is when I was able to take a step outside of myself to reflect on my past experiences and current state of mind. I realized that I was/am living life going through the motions without really knowing what was happening with me or around me. I was getting up each day doing my exact same routine without an appreciation or any value to my life.
I am a fixer! My enjoyment in life comes from seeing others thrive and be happy. I spend a lot of my time worrying about everyone else, solving their problems, and being their “person”. Again, what about me? Being a fixer for everyone else, I forced myself to build these walls of protection so that no one would know that I am too broken on the inside and need to be fixed. (That’s where my issues with vulnerability come in to play, but we can talk about that in a future post 😊)
So, I began my journey my engaging in mental health counseling. I was hoping to have a space where I could talk about and process my issues without having to let those walls down that built with anyone that I love. Counseling was going well and then I stopped going. Still trying to figure out why, am I self-sabotaging? Was it getting too difficult? Or was it not helping at all? I still don’t really know the answer to the question. Next, I decided to go on a social media fast. I deleted all social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat) off my phone and I decided I needed to stop being encompassed in what everyone else had going on. I needed to stop comparing myself and where I am at in life to others, and that I needed to worry about me!
Thus far, being off social media has forced me to be more present in my daily life at work, with my kids, and my friends. But it has also forced me to have time to think about me, who I am, what I want, and what steps I need to take to get there. It has also forced me to focus on things that I’ve been burying and not wanting to deal with. I am realizing that things were worse than I thought and now to trying to pick up all the pieces so I can puzzle myself, a healthier self, back together.
If you’ve noticed at all this journey has just begun and is far from over. Each day I have committed to working on one small piece of my puzzle until I feel whole again. Are there some things I could be doing better? Probably so. Do I know what all it is I need currently? No, I don’t. What I do know, is that I want to be mentally, physically, and emotionally stable. So that I can be happy, be present, and enjoy each day as if it were my last. My journey began and it continues…..are you ready to start yours?
To be continued…….
Atiyya Thompson, pHriends pHounder